


the train stopped for yu (but i'll continue mine)

by yutakoball



Series: yu're always in my heart [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Dealing With Loss, Existential Crisis, Heavy Angst, JohnYu, Lots of swearing soz, M/M, Not Beta Read, Online Friendship, POV First Person, Platonic Relationships, everyone is super ooc here sorry, im sorry im feelin sad, silver lining at the end?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:13:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22941550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutakoball/pseuds/yutakoball
Summary: Johnny can't sleep due to all the worries he has for his life after graduation. A little advice from an old friend makes him realise that maybe, just maybe, things will turn out alright in the end.inspired by: stop this train - john mayer
Relationships: Nakamoto Yuta/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: yu're always in my heart [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1667836
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	the train stopped for yu (but i'll continue mine)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> this is a sequel to my first johnyu au called Soon. you don't necessarily have to read the first one to get the premise of this one, but it would be nice if you checked it out too hehe. you can see the first part  
> [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17931755)  
> i'm gifting this to 2 people; riki (honeyuta) and sarah. 27th feb marks the first anniversary posting of Soon which also celebrates the first time riki and i talked and we eventually became friends! i'm so glad to have met you bubba and though it's only been a year, talking to you always makes me feel like we've known each other for years. thank you for all the love you give me and i hope to be friends for a long time!
> 
> sarah, the most important person in my life. i've said this countless times in this life and will do so in the next: you are the very reason why i continue to try. i love you with all of my heart and let's be by each other's side for eternity and beyond. 
> 
> i hope you all enjoy this write up. i know it's been a while but i hope this makes up for it at least hehe.

I tossed and turned in my bed throughout the night as countless thoughts filled my brain. Sweat dripped from my forehead as I shot up; frustrated over the fact that I just can’t seem to get myself to sleep despite feeling tired throughout the day. Running a hand through my, now, damped jet black hair, I let out a sigh of frustration before reaching over to my nightstand to get my phone that’s charging, to check the time.

_11:58 pm._

Another exasperated sigh came out of my lips as I realised that I’m forced to face the reality that I’m not going to be able to get a wink of sleep tonight. Grabbing a shirt off my bedroom floor, I quickly threw it on before making my way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

_Might as well make full use of the rest of the night since I’m awake, right?_

I shivered at the slight change in temperature when I opened my bedroom door of my small 2 room apartment. It’s not the fanciest of places, but I always believe that simple is more. Not to mention the place being the most decent looking out of all the affordable apartments that I could find so it’s a definite win-win for me.

With a cold glass of water in hand, I sat myself down on the windowsill that faced the usually busy intersection. I basked in the calm of the silence, enjoying the chilly night that contrasted starkly to the humid warmth I felt being in my bed. Taking in so much of the present of the night, I never realised that the screen of my phone lit up when the clock struck midnight to show a notification. 

**_Alert: Graduation Day!_ **

… So that’s why I can’t fall asleep.

The calm atmosphere of the night soon flipped after the realisation. The overwhelming feeling of “holy fuck 4 years is done and I’ve obtained the paper so now what” after the event begins to settle in; and quite frankly, I’m _really_ not liking it. 

No, not one bit. 

All the questions I’ve gotten from nosy distant relatives, acquaintances, friends’ parents, my high school teachers; basically from everyone who shouldn’t matter about my future, began to fill my mind once again. 

_“You took_ **_this_ ** _course…? Are you sure?”_

_“So, what’s next then?”_

_“Are you going back to the US after uni?”_

_“You planning to find a job here?”_

_“... You do have a plan, right?”_

The fuck does it look like? Of course I don’t have a plan. Hell, I don’t even know what the fuck I’m even doing at this point.

Leaning my head against my window, I can feel the pressure getting to me as each question piles itself on top of my shoulders. My heart sinks at the thought of not being able to meet any expectations that are expected of me; especially those from my parents. I groaned and rubbed my face frustratedly as I tried to erase the image of my mum away from my head.

I know I shouldn’t do this. I know it’s not healthy and that it doesn’t really matter what other people think about where I go after this. It is my life journey, my path to walk at the end of the day. 

But it’s the fact that I know the same questions have been on my parents’ minds as well ever since I came into my last year of uni. Being away from family for as long as I have, it isn’t easy. I came to Korea to further my studies, so it only made sense for my parents to expect me to have my shit together the second I’m done with it and make a formal decision; to stay here or move back. 

I can’t just continue working at the flower shop down the street of my campus as a part-timer. I’m only working there to have my own expenses and pay rent for these 4 years. 

I have absolutely no plan and it’s **_eating me alive_ **. 

The glass of water in my hands remained half full as I had my inner turmoil. Placing the glass beside me, I grabbed my phone once more to get rid of the notification and distract myself from my crisis, only to be met with my lockscreen. 

A screenshot of one of Yuta and I’s late night skype call back in 2017. 

A bitter laugh came out of me as I continued to look at the photo. Yuta’s hair was black at the time, his fringe tied up to the top of his head as he showed the biggest smile that shone beyond the 240p screen quality, accompanied by a peace sign. He had a grey sweater on that was way too big for his figure and the sleeves slipped past his fingertips ever so slightly. We were both in our second year of university at that point of time, so he was in his dorm room in Busan while I was in Seoul. 

I remembered the first few times we had our routine calls when we got into universities. Since our scheduled calls were usually later in the night; there was one time where Yuta just came back from night lectures and started the call with,

**_“God, I’m so glad we both moved to Korea for university. The time difference between Osaka and Chicago was way WAY too much for me. Geez considering how much time we would stay up just to call the other, I’m still salty over the fact that we didn’t get to go to the same university.”_ **

As I scroll through my gallery that had various screenshots and videos of Yuta saying the most random things or doing the absolute most as a reminder to cheer me up. I even found a video of him just jamming out to TVXQ during a call and couldn’t help but let out a loud laugh at it. I shook my head at the tomfoolery this little shit used to pull during our calls.

I then stumbled on a video of Yuta with the preview image of him looking serious. I don’t remember having that video on my phone so I clicked play out of curiosity. Yuta’s gentle voice came out of my phone speaker.

**_-_ **

**_“You’re recording, right?”_ **

**_“Yeah, yeah I am. I don’t know why you want me to record my existential crisis to you, Yuta. This is just going to be embarrassing for me, you know?”_ **

**_“Just say your name, what year of uni you’re in, the date and the topic we’re talking about. Give a jazzy intro to our depressing podcast.”_ **

**_I groaned at the instruction the bundled man through the screen just gave me. To be quite frank, I don’t know why I agreed to do this. He’s lucky he’s cute._ **

**_“Fine. I’m Johnny Seo, 22 years old and in my second year of university. I’m having a sudden realisation that I don’t exactly know what I’m going to do after university after a bunch of people asked me about my graduation plans today,”_ **

My heart stopped and I instantly paused the video. This has got to be a joke, not some sick coincidence. I felt myself froze for a good 5 seconds before my brain functioned and processed everything. 

My thumb hovered over the play button. Half of me doesn’t want to continue but curiosity got the other half of me and without thinking, I found myself pressing play once more.

**_“I just don’t know if I’m ready to leave this bubble yet. Am I supposed to have my life planned and figured out by then? I just stepped into my 20s Yuta. I know I have so much life ahead of me and that life basically has just only begun but it doesn’t erase the fact that time is moving a lot more quickly than I anticipated for it to be._ **

**_Our parents aren’t getting any younger too. I don’t want to see the day where I’m forced to see them go. You know, things may seem fine and dandy when you’re living your life in the present as you’re supposed to but the uncertainty of the future never fails to infect me like a parasite and make me feel almost sick just even thinking of it, every single night when I’m alone in this room._ **

**_I’m scared, Yuta. I just want time to stop to just be able to breathe for once.”_ **

**_I finished my ramble, almost feeling breathless. A wave of mixed emotions run through me as I see Yuta processing everything. I see his eyebrows furrowed tight, lips slightly pursed and tightening the strings of his hoodie as I can see him trying to word his thoughts. Then, he opened his mouth to speak._ **

**_“You know, Youngho. Your concerns are completely valid. I actually think having such concerns aren’t a bad thing at all. It’s part of growing up, after all. Once you do find a way to solve it, you learn from it and eventually grow from the experience._ **

**_I’m glad you’re able to find some trust in me to tell me about your worries. I don’t know if I’m able to help you find a solution to them, but at least you don’t have to feel the weight of having to carry the burden on your own anymore,”_ **

**_Yuta gave me a reassuring smile that instantly sent a wave of calm and reassurance to my soul. I instantly felt my shoulders relaxed from its tensed state and leaned back against my chair, all ears to hear what he had to say._ **

**_“Now, I can’t say much, considering we’re of the same age. But you’re right. There is this conflict of whether we should completely be living in the present and let the future flow from our decisions now, or do we have everything planned out so we can minimise the mistakes we do now as much as possible?_ **

**_Time really isn’t going to slow down any time soon either, so we really have no choice but to go with it no matter how painful that can be. We can’t and will never be able to stop time, Youngho. It’s just how it is._ **

**_From my perspective, I feel like it’s always good to have a balance. Live your life the most that you can right now while have at least some sort of idea of what you want to do in the future. But at the same time, you have to keep your mind and options open. As you said, the future is so uncertain and anything can happen in such a short span of time. I suggest you take things one step at a time, hm? Figure out whether you want to stay in Korea or move back with your parents first. Then work your way down from there._ **

**_Time may be moving quickly; but your life journey depends on the pace that you believe is best for you, not anyone else’s.”_ **

**_…_ **

**_“You know, for someone who talks a lot of shit, you actually have a really wise brain, Yuta.”_ **

**_“I swear to God I will beat you up when we meet. That’s the first and last episode of this podcast since you wanna be such a disgraceful shit bye.”_ **

**_-_ **

We’ve all found ourselves crying our eyes out over a song, photo or video that struck a huge chord in our system at 2 in the morning as we sit on a windowsill facing an empty intersection, right? Because that’s where I am now mentally and spiritually.

It would’ve been exactly 2 years since he left this world; trying to get to me. Nights since then have been a lot more lonely and gloomy ever since then. I still keep in contact with Taeil-hyung, the chauffeur that brought me to visit Yuta last year and some of our mutual friends like Doyoung and Jaehyun but for the most part; it just hasn’t been the same. 

There were some nights where it got tougher than usual. A tiny part of me sometimes feels like I’m the one to blame for his loss. But I’m lucky to constantly have him embedded in my mind to know that he’d probably dropkick me into oblivion if he were to know that I’d been thinking that way.

I wiped my tears and brought my legs up to my chest, admiring the screenshot of Yuta’s big, bright grin on my phone once more. I couldn’t help but crack a little fond grin at that little face. 

Absolutely ridiculous. 

Even in memory, he just always finds a way to say the right words, huh? The ability to make someone feel so loved, so welcomed, so heard and appreciated the way he makes me feel; it’s something only he can achieve. 

I picked myself up from the windowsill and cleaned up the mess after me. I walked back into my bedroom feeling motivated to want to have enough rest to feel re-energised for the day later on. 

Yuta has and always will be my safe haven. The comfort and joy he brings to my life is like no other. The sincerity and purity of his heart transcends online friendship and anyone who has been able to even merely cross-paths with him have been so extremely lucky. 

“The only regretful thing that I have in my life is not being able to say thank you to you in real life, Yuta. Though the train of time had stopped way too soon for you, I know that with your undying love and support I will continue the journey on mine. I hope you see me walking on that stage later today, wherever you are, and that you’ll be with me through every step of the way like you did before. 

I love you and I miss you, Yuta. Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> johnyu characters are super ooc ik ik but hey. welcome to my thought process heh. i thoroughly hoped you liked it i really enjoyed writing this one ngl. 
> 
> do tell me what you think! let's chat hehe  
> [twt](https://twitter.com/yutadotes)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/yonytaeil)  
> 


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